Being Kind Doesn’t Make Me Stupid

I too am one of the "nice" people in the World.  I see what you see ... that people judge me as stupid and try to take advantage. both online and in the real World.  To put it bluntly, I think people tend to see "niceness" as "weakness".  Weak people are considered "stupid".  I sometimes wonder what the World is coming to.

margieclayman That's some story, Margie. One of the things I always tell me kids is always leave the house with an "I love you" This thought probably arose after 9/11. In terms of jerkiness..I agree, the loudest jerk gets the biggest audience. The kinder and gentler folks don't have their blog posts read : ) I've also noticed that so many people spout sunshine and party balloons, but in reality just want to ass-kiss for self promotion. I'm a litle more cynical than some of my online buddies, but I prefer to keep these comments to myself. I really try hard to not be hurtful online because of this tenet I learned from my religious studies, "Treat others as you want to be treated." So, please continue the kindness! : )

Margie,

Aside from the excellent content what I take from this is we all have a story. Often we make assumptions or judge based on preconceived ideas or even ignorance. But as you shared there is almost always something driving us. Recently folks (some here) shared of incredible pain caring for seriously ill or handicapped family members. We just never know - great reminder to the quick to listen slower to speak.

Thanks and yes i do dig the new avi.

Be well my friend.

The glorification of jerks..does that really work? Is that the same concept as "any press is good press, even if it's bad press"? ...neither pass muster with me. I have personally seen some pretty brash folks in the on line world...their smug arrogance used to get under my skin, now I simply ignore them and focus my energies on the kinder, gentler folks, and some plenty smart ones too! ...I so enjoy the smart, kind, gentle sorts that make me feel all good and stuff :)

Who is it. tell me. I will send the wrath of Kenny Mad Chatter Kahn down and upon them. :) That is a joke too :) No doubt. Your are nice because you are you. There are a lot of jerks online. And I have noticed the same thing. And I have noticed a lot other things too. But we can't let it get to us. Truth is sometimes it will. We are human. Humans react, get angry, sad and all the rest of the emotions. The thing to remember is it only reflects on them. There are bully's on line too. In the networks we frequent. And it is accepted and tolerated out of fear. And that is the truth. There is a lot of fake behavior. But it is transparent. And you are right being nice is critical to positive mentality, life and world. Because sometimes you don't get the opportunity to take back the talk. The nicer you are the more it comes back to you. You just cannot continually suck up the negativity. At some point you have to say enough is enough and surround yourself with the people who lift you up and let the others find their own way. If it makes them feel better to call people stupid and boost their ego with false bravado let them plant their own seeds. Karma always has a plan. Strong people know it is BS. Stay Strong. Stay You. Stay True.

Respect Margie Nice. Don't Change.

Margie, I wasn't aware of this situation. I feel being kind online is the only way to be. If people think I'm not the brightest bulb in the lamp, I've been too busy going my merry way to notice it. You are one of the most intelligent people I know online. You shine brilliantly in your wonderful writing. And of course you are very kind. I try to steer clear of ill mannered types, or make a joke of it, which doesn't always work. Then, not hanging out with them is the most I can do. I feel rather naive reading your post, because I think there is a powerful truth here I just wasn't seeing. I will try to wise up, but I won't change any. My models for behavior are Jesus and Mother Teresa. You can't set your goals any higher than that and you need supernatural help to reach them. Hopefully this keeps me busy enough to avoid being a jerk online and avoid the jerks too. Loved this Margie, thank you. You really got me thinking!

Hey Margie, have just come across your blog from "40 most approachable Social A-listers on Twitter".

i have read only two posts so far and i just happen to love them. I come from Africa (just recently relocated to USA) and i gotta say that its a culture shock when it comes to values here. (yes, the online community beats them all)

I like your values style. Yes we may look like old-schoolers but there is really such longevity in that..plus life is a whole lot easier, no hustle trying to be mean and bad in order to "fit" it.

Being kind is very cool. thank you for this post

Thank you for writing this. Kindness is underrated generally. I hadn't thought of it being equated with being a bit on the simpleminded side but I think you're right.

I remain eternally grateful that it's one of the lessons my mom taught me--or perhaps a gift she gave me--before she disappeared into dementia. I wrote a birthday post for her that she can't read or appreciate so I'll share it here: http://biketoworkbarb.blogspot.com/2009/09/3-things-my-mother-taught-me.html

Thanks again for the post. It made me reread the piece for my mother and I'm glad I did.

I refer to this as the Omarosa-fication of our culture. Being assertive now means getting in someone's face, grabbing every advantage whether you need it or not. You see this behavior all the time on the freeway. That guy did not need to cut in front of you or not move over when you needed to merge -- but he did becuase he could. To back down or let you in would have shown weakness.

You wrote a blog post way back and now this one that caused me to remember this. http://www.dogwalkblog.com/what-do-you-want-from-me.html

Kindness does not make you stupid. Other people taking advantage of your kindness makes them stupid. Where is Omarosa today? Who takes her calls?

Margie,

That is why I am such a big fan of you because of your kindness… If anyone insists to harass you that you are stupid for being nice I want to have a chat with them.

I have to say that you have been such a great mentor online that some of the thoughts I have read her have made me think twice in not making any further mistakes.

Thanks again Margie!

Margie,

(What in the WORLD has been going on while I was away?!)

I am all caught up (over 1,100 emails) and after reading all the posts that I had subscribed to plus all those that were mentioned and sounded like I HAD to investigate, I felt that I had at least an inkling of what had been on people's minds.

First, Marjorie, My friend. My heart is breaking that you would ever feel the need to write this post. (For real) Plain and simple- (and my Dad HATES it, and me I think- when I cut out all the "nice talk" and diplomatic bull shit to state the bottom line)- there will always be people that for some reason have to hurt, discredit, lie about, attack and undermine those that are good. Not just all the folks out there that honestly and truly DO good, but those that ARE good. Fact.

Add attention and the power that comes from someone who is a leader (of any kind), someone who is strong (from the inside) and does things the right ways for the right reasons, someone that has "influence" (here on line OR in the physical world), and what you become is a target. Someone that has to be taken down, destroyed or at the very least, damage your thoughts about yourself and make you doubt, this of course makes many weak, and almost always takes the focus away from what you are doing and who and how you are.

Basically, I am NOT a nice person. Things like this allow my newly found direction to falter and my blood starts to boil. I want to hurt the hurt-ers. I hate watching them move onto the next. I know, I KNOW in my heart and mind that it is not for me to judge anyone and that judgement will come, and I detest the part of me that feels the need to witness the accounting.

I have learned so much about things from you, Margie. I have learned by (trying) emulating your Lady style and being. I was taught what is right, what is appropriate, and all the good things a human needs. You, by being you, has taught me more. You taught me what it looks like- in real life. Please, do not doubt yourself or any of your directions. Being kind does not make you stupid or gullible. It makes you RIGHT.

Your reader, student and pal.

~Amber-Lee

Thanks for the story. Interesting point that people who are kind can be thought of as stupid. Happens in the offline world as well I think. For me it is trying to get a balance between being kind becasue I think I should be and being kind becasue that feels authentic for me to be. Sometimes I can be kind at my own expense and I think that may be when some people take advantage. At times I have thought that it was up to others to not take advantage of my kind nature. But in the end I suppose it is up to me to stand up for myself and say no, but also be kind.

With your friend who died, your getting up and leaving may have been exactly what they needed. It may have lead to a chain of events that you don't know about that changed the life of others in this persons life. That is the thing that I have been learning about. We never really know how our words or actions effect others. We can only assume and sometimes if I am saying something I think is kind the other person may take it as mean. And sometimes I may say something I think is mean and the other person thinks it's kind. It's all very confusing. So I have just decided to say what ever feels like the truth and what comes to me at the time without thinking about it and see how that goes.

My latest conversation: RSA Certificate

You got me thinking.

Since I am in the business of helping people get noticed, promoted, and shared I tend to push the envelope. Like most things in the Attention Economy you have too act according to your goals and objectives.

I often talk with people who have noble and worthwhile ambitions but insist on doing nothing that will distinguish from everyone else. They won't promote. They won't shout. They won't fight for what they believe in. They won't demand the attention their passion deserves. Most times the public passes on without giving them the attention they deserve. It sucks because these folks have amazing things to say and do. But their timidity allowed the "jerks" to get the lionshare of attention.

The problem in my mind isn't so much about being too nice or too kind. It's about being boring, unimaginative, and timid. Martin Luther King was profoundly "kind" but not the least bit timid. Being the history buff you are, I'm sure you can list scores of other profoundly kind people that wouldn't allow themselves to be ignored.

My dad often told me, people don't like to fight, but they love a fighter. I'm still getting my head around that wisdom. So the folks standing in the "Kind" corner need to learn how how fight for the microphone. The world desperately needs to hear what you have to say.

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I'm not really interested in being feared or revered. In the end, I'm selfish.

I would like to soak up whatever insight I can while I'm around. If I can offer that to others in casual yet impacting moments... well, I reap the unspoken benefit from that.

I'm not the kindest person in the world. I'm not the dumbest, either. I'm just the right wavelength of both.

Thank you for sharing, ma'am.

Wow and Wow. I was really touched by your words here Margie. I couldn't agree more in so many ways. The era of 'jerk glorification' just doesn't resonate with me. Fact is, you don't have to bash people to find online success. You don't have to be arrogant, terse, conceited, cuss like a sailor, etc. I could literally go on and on about this, but you already said it better than I could.

Thanks for being kind, it's so very refreshing.

Marcus

You need all the colors to make a rainbow. One isn't more important than the rest.

Personally, I think you rock Margie. Your style is all your own. (And I'm one of the mean people who really enjoys the cuss words.. hahahahaa) Its a lighter, more thoughtful touch. One that I aspire to have more of in my communication.

Besides, you share a very nice name with my grandmother, who has been rockin' life for 95 years. Carry on. You're doing a great job!

Don't stress about what other people think so much. You can't make everyone happy. Just try for yourself...

MC Media,
Love the post. BEing kind does not make you stupid, nor does it make you weak. We are in a period where bombast is equated with brilliance. I find that quiet competence is often overlooked. Stay with your program. Not only are you kind, but you are also down the middle. Down the middle makes you an honest broker of information. Isn't blogging about info?

Hi Margie,

Kindness is often equated with weakness. In reality, it is quite the opposite. The ability to kindly respond to hurtful things requires strength. While the ugliness in the online world is disheartening, it is a monster created, in part, by kind people. Clicks are online currency. Every time some one clicks a link to an ugly post or shares the link with his or her community, it rewards the creator. If the blog is monetized, we are literally paying people to be ugly.

Constructive discourse challenging the status quo is necessary for the channel to grow and improve. Personal attacks move us backwards. The current online environment is not conducive to positive growth because people who question the merits of a comment are attacked personally.

danperezfilms makes an excellent point that some bridges need to be burned. We have to choose our battles carefully and turn the other cheek when it is appropriate. I'm hopeful that over time the people who are using ugliness to further personal causes will be replaced with people who want to work together for a better online community. Until then, I'm trying to do my part by not rewarding them with my clicks or comments.

Nice post! (As in brave, courageous, spot on.)

Another great post from Margie Clayman. Thank you! It's a classic trope where the sincerely good, kind and polite character is underestimated by others because of their kind nature. It's played out time and time again in books, movies and in real life. But, in the end, I think nice guys do finish first. Way to go, Margie!

Kind people are the smartest people in the world! Keep building bridges! Thank you!

As I frequently find myself, I am once again in your camp, Margie. Being kind does not make you (us) stupid. It gives us the latitude to allow others to be themselves and think the eay they wish, even when we do not agree.

We should always be true to ourselves. Thise who live their lives being feared by others tend to have a very lonely existence.

As to your story, there is an "old spiritual" song with that same sentiment, that plays over and over in my mind and heart, "This may be the last time, I don't know."

None of this makes us stupid, it makes us human and helps keep us humble.

@martinamcgowan

Hi, Margie.

You are definitely not stupid. And, I always prefer nice people to the obnoxious ones no matter how other people think of them as right at the top, so you score high in my books. I also would like to see myself as this nice person with a great and ready smile to everyone. If that makes me boring, so be it.

So, when a time came in my life recently when I thought I couldn't really say something nice because of the problems that were heaped on my life, I took a self-imposed hiatus when it comes to blog hopping and blog commenting. I didn't want to drag people down along with me.

Now that I am feeling a tad better, I am back at it again. My smile may not be the on thousand-megawatt one yet, but it's there slowly building up. And, I am glad I chose your post to read today. Gives me a reason to smile more. Thanks. :)

Sometimes bridges need to be burned for our own inner peace. We don't have to be friends with everyone or take crap from anyone for whatever reason. And I sure as heck ain't gonna kick myself for not knowing the future after said bridge is burned. And in my life, it's been the "nice people" that usually disappoint me the most. It just ain't natural to be nice all the time (I get suspicious!) while the "jerks" usually say what a lot of us wish we could say but we're too busy trying to be nice to everyone. That's why people are drawn to them.I've found the friendship of many to be so overrated. Life is like editing a film/video, trim all the fat and keep only what's vital. It has made me a better son, brother, friend, father, and husband to those that really matter.

PS - Nice post. One of your better ones :)

Great post Margie. People do forget it take more calm, maturity and restraint to be KIND than to be nasty or snarky. Not that I don't have snarky moments. We all do. I allowed myself to get into a pissing contest on a colleague/friend's Facebook page and I felt like a 6th grader after the fact. So nobody's perfect.

I think sometimes people try to buddy up to the online buttholes for the same reason nice guys get dismayed over how "chicks dig jerks" -- can't explain it, but it happens. Maybe it's something about the challenge. I dunno. In any event, I've been a lot more mindful of what I write in cyberspace lately partly because I have a reputation to preserve and honestly, partly because like you, I don't want my mind occupied with trivial matters that a high school girl would be concerned with. Again, great post!

I've been complaining about the lack of civilized and polite discourse for a long time and simply do not understand those who attack under the guise of being contrarian or what have you. Thank you so much for putting a human touch on this.

Margie,

I cannot, in my wildest dreams, imagine you as either mediocre or stupid.

Many people have such deep self-doubt that they feel compelled to appear aggressive, snarky, and more knowledgeable, or better, or more adept. Know what? They are not.

When I've regretted things I've said or done, they came from that place of self-doubt.

Just remember the old saw. "Illegitimi non carborundum."

Keep on doing what you do. There are plenty Snarksnoring and only one Margie Clayman.

Roy